Rejection Fairytales

There are times when life urges us to seek more. I believe to reach the depth we wish to access, we must dive below layers to the deepest parts of ourselves. We may need to examine our lives and ourselves more deeply to find the right place to start.

Everything we need for success and joy lies within. But so often, life’s debris accumulates, building layers around our core that make it difficult to access the truth that resides there.

For me… it was accessing the layer of denial in rejection.

With all the rejection I have received; from my parents, college professors, mental health industry, job prospects, supervisors, book deals, frenemies, lovers, religion, social media, and so forth… you would think that I would be proficient in securing my value and my boundaries. In fact, what happened was I reduced my own needs in order to people please and/or whenever I began to feel the threat of rejection, I disappeared into the wind before they even had a chance to close the door.

Gone With The Wind

I want to talk about this because as I begin opening my calendar of working with more people, I am noticing this is a common issue many of us face. People want to know: What is my purpose? What will happen in my job? Will I find love? Is this person right for me? Why doesn't this person want me? Will I marry this person? Will I be happy?

It’s fascinating how many of us define ourselves by the relationships we uphold. And I get it. Let’s be for real. We are in hour 1 of the apocalypse, post covid in 2023. None of us really want to be alone. No matter how much we buck against the idea, in truth… we all desire companionship.

We all want to be seen and known by someone who looks at us adoringly. We all want to be respected, accepted, treasured, and loved. And when this is not reciprocated, it has damaging effects.

So here is what I have to say about this: Stop tolerating bullshit from people who are clearly not reciprocating or who are treating you in a way that does not feel good to you and or not giving you what you need. Stop lowering your standards to accommodate persons who see your love as insignificant.

Let me be clear, when I say bullshit, I mean: Mixed messages, running hot and cold, acting into you and then not. Being aloof or indifferent. Saying they don’t want a relationship but want the couple things without the responsibility and commitment of being in a relationship.

Here’s the bottom line: If someone is giving you mixed messages, it is NOT an invitation to wait or to strategize how to be chosen by them. Waiting to be chosen by someone who is for whatever reasons, conflicted or uninterested in pursuing a relationship with you is so incredibly disempowering.

This is not a cue to try then to change yourself into being chosen. You shouldn’t manipulate someone into loving you or into choosing you or pursuing you. Stop giving people more in the hopes they will see how wonderful you are. Stop trying to heal them of their issues so that they can see how good you are together.

This is so difficult. Vulnerably speaking, I remember trying so hard to be a part of my parents life. I would send gifts through the mail, call them crying to be a part of their lives, let them beat me and still seek their approval… With lovers, I would change the way I eat, or speak. I would pour myself over and over again to their whim, with gifts, dates, sexual favors and undeserving chances. With work, I would change the way I dress and style my hair. I would work harder than everyone else, take on more clients and go above and beyond…

What I learned is that every time you get attached to someone who does not want to commit to you, who is unsure of how they feel about you, or is not investing in you or getting to know you on a deeper level - every time you attach to someone who is showing up in this manner, you have placed yourself in an unhealthy toxic situation.

Unfortunately, what’s really going on here is – so many of us believe it is because we do not have enough value. When you steady yourself into thinking, “they aren’t into me,” or “they aren’t interested in pursuing something more meaningful,” or “they’re not choosing me,” you tell yourself the story that there is something wrong with you and that you don’t have inherent value. You say to yourself, “I am not worthy.”

And this is the lie that destroys lives. It is a lie that has so much power.

No one wants to be rejected. It’s incredibly uncomfortable because basically someone is saying, “No. It’s not you. I don’t choose to build a life with you. I do not choose to know you deeper.” And that’s rough. That does not feel good.

You really cannot continue to torture yourself being someone’s maybe. You are an absolute definitely – and ought to be unto thyself.

You have to Be brave and move on from this type of situation.

I have done this myself and I see it happening in people’s lives. It’s painful for our ego – especially when this kind of dismissal is from someone we don’t actually really know, but who we have convinced ourselves is the right person, or the “the one”, or the one we want anyway. We have romanticized people we barely know. We projected an entire future and fantasy on them.

Maybe the connection is strong, has a high level of compatibility; maybe they remind us of what we always wanted, they trigger something inside of us that says yes, this person seems so right! And most of the time it’s because there is an overwhelming attraction to this person. So we will strategize on how to do better to be chosen.

I am here to tell you:

Stop the Madness.

Stop doing this to yourself.

There is no force out there that wants to deny you love.

You deserve it.

You need it.

And there is plenty of it to go around.

Read that again.

It is time to stand firm by your own side and be an advocate for your needs and desires and protector of your heart, time and energy.

If you’re wondering why someone who isn’t invested, who doesn’t actually want the relationship you want, why would they keep seeing you? Why would they stay in the situationship? They explicitly tell you they don’t want a relationship but they don’t want to let you go either. Why does this happen?

Because you allow it.

There’s just no other reason. They likely are very conflicted. Maybe they genuinely have a strong attraction to you, but they do not have a deep emotional attraction to you. Or perhaps they are going through something within themselves that has given them the causation of not wanting to commit, but they will continue to hang out because they are getting the perks.

The lack of boundaries is what makes it so this keeps going on. This comes from a place of fear and lower self-worth. If they are conflicted, their inner conflict is not your concern. You can’t fix it for them. You can’t change it for them. Take matters into your own hands. And steer your experience in the direction you want it to go.

Don't chase. Chasing someone comes in the form of trying to change yourself, trying to change them, trying to please them, trying to prove through various actions you are amazing. Instead of chasing them, replace them. Move on. You don’t want to ever strategize to get someone to be interested in you.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that being in this kind of situation, you KNOW you are abandoning yourself; that you are not protecting yourself... That you are in something that does not feel good. And this will require you to forgive yourself, because this sense of betrayal in the self feels a lot worse and is actually harder in the long term to recover from.

You really have to choose yourself. Abandoning yourself, your deepest desires and dreams atop of any pain that can be inflicted on you by someone who you don’t know that well, who you wish you could have but doesn’t choose you is one thing. Staying some place where you are not welcomed and/or are treated poorly out of low self-esteem and low self-regard is self-abuse. And that is not okay.

If you are struggling to choose yourself, join the club. You are not alone. There are so many of us out there. But to heal from this, you have to figure out why. And that’s where the deeper work comes in. This is where you have to stop pretending and start getting real.

You don’t have to tolerate this kind of situationship. It’s not going to all of a sudden get better unless you communicate and get on the same page, unless you respect someone else’s boundary and you don’t try to manipulate them to being in a relationship with you.

All of this is about taking full responsibility.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to change your pattern of thinking and whatever obsession and rumination is happening. If you are currently in a situation that is feeling off to you, if you are dating someone who is emotionally unavailable to you; instead of talking about it with everyone, replace it with this question:

Why don’t I believe I am worth the relationship and intimacy I want?

This will open doors to a lot of self-examination and self-analysis. It might be a door that will lead you down a long path filled with investing in yourself. It will be a journey of learning to care for yourself enough to be in a relationship with someone who has the same emotional availability that you do.

When you are obsessing about being chosen, interrupt that thought pattern and ask yourself:

Do I even like them?

What is so special about them that I decided they are the ones I choose?

Do I even want them or am I just preoccupied with being wanted?

And that’s a really important question. Especially in the beginning of things because it’s not really about our hearts, it’s about our ego. We don’t want to get rejected. And it’s important to distinguish between preoccupation of wanting to be wanted and chosen vs. do you actually really like them.

If you are frustrated with being given crumbs of attention – you know, just a little bit of attention and then they pull away. You’re never quite enough, never quite fulfilled, never given the whole meal - they just give you enough to string you along. If you are feeling like that’s the case for you, ask yourself:

Why do I keep tolerating less than I deserve?

Why do I continue to accept the crumbs?

The trick is to always flip life on its head and see through the lens of the relationship we have with ourselves.

The answers are not simple. But they will inspire the necessary self-exploration and self-analysis we need in order to have healthier relationships and more importantly a Stronger sense of self and self-worth.